Frog Applause by Teresa Burritt for June 25, 2024

Cats don’t have hands or cudgels, and are significantly smaller than you. I have none of those limitations.

It’s filled with flammable liquid and he has a lighter.

Let us spray.

Your spiritual guidance doesn’t work on cats.

Spray to the…

whatever.

I bet his nickname is Squirt.

If you spray below the waist, you can make it look like an accident.

I’ve done this. It really works. I add mint.

…say it…

…don’t spray it…

While you’re spraying those people, tell them it’s holy water and you’re baptizing them.

A bottle filled with ‘holy water’? “It buuuurns!”

I’m having a hard time envisioning Mr. Rogers disciplining a cat.

They don’t learn easily. Too much to unlearn. Real professionals use hydraulic excavators and front end loaders to remove previous teachings.

The spray bottle is actually filled with helly water, although the other suggestions above are noted.

Hey, you! Get away from my altar! You can’t make an offering there…! Quit that praying! I know you’re just making fun of my spiritual guidance.

Oxymoron

Today’s Utterly Useless Senryū du Jour:

Cats spray all the time.

They hate it when you try to

get even with them.

— Name withheld by request, as told to Dr. Felix D. Katt, MD, FACS, ASPS, ASAPS

Pro Training Tips from Doc Ferrall:

1. Soak catnip in water to be used.

2. Apply solution only while wearing chain-mail leisure suit.

3. Reconsider using on any cat larger than a standard jar of chutney.

Note: Research so far suggests no training and/or sedating effect noted on motorists on whose windshields said solution has been applied — nor any increase elicited either in positive feedback and/or honoraria from subject motorists, even when hallucinogens have been added to solution. Will continue experiments when released from intensive care, pending probationary hearing.

Directions: For best results, use high-quality spirits in spray bottle; serve with a beer back.

His desire to inspire this choir is all flocked up …!

Today’s Wholly Futile Backup Senryū du Jour:

Kitten on my sill:

How you know I’ll do your will?

Looks like I’m “staff” now.

— Ben Theah, in the July issue of Egyptian Book of the Shred article, “Done That: Now to Replace the Sofa and Drapes” © 2024 You Gimme Cad-Scratch Pheevah, courtesy of So Hard To Bear Fruit of the Loom, Inc.

Today’s Entirely Senseless Tertiary Senryū du Jour:

Sanctify the rain!

On all heads must the crap flow!

Trick? Use the right drain.

— from “Who’ll Stop the Royal Flush?”, First Movement, Act One of The Porcelain Suite Street Band for Your Protection by Baba and Yogi Yaga-Berra © 2024 Neil B. Heald, LLC

There may or may not be hallucinogenic compounds in the water. Until we have obtained a clean sample, we cannot be certain.

“Always take your TV’s advice.”

— Firesign Theatre, in slightly less toxic / more innocent [?] times

Flamethrowers have been discovered to be ineffective…

We had a cat who became immune to the squirt bottle. He’d give us a dirty look and go back to what he was doing.

A squirt for a squirt only leaves both sides wet.

It doesn’t work THAT well on cats…

No flame wars here, please.

I know my guy dance would be inhibited.