Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for July 12, 2016

Albert Gore III got busted for going 100 mph in a Prius; sales for the car jumped when that news broke.

It must have just gone off a cliff to reach 100 mph.

I can relate, Rat. Need help feeding shells into that gun?

Wait a minute! Zebra drives a Prius, as I recall.

What irks me the most is when I see slow drivers move to the fast lane when there isn’t even anybody in front of them.

Silly Rat. It doesn’t work that way. Though that thing could give a pretty good whap!

More bang for the Buick

America—my beloved land—is a den of entitled drivers who all own the road. Sad when they all lay claim at once in highly congested areas on jam-packed roads. Ah, well.

If all he’s doing is attaching the barrel, then he shouldn’t have a problem. He can simply rely on the intimidation factor. If he actually goes for the shells and the firing mechanism, he’ll destroy his own car before he ever damages anyone else’s.

People who drive slowly while talking on their cell phones would automatically be targeted.

“The Rat Patrol” starring Rat !

At least one state has recently begun to ticket specifically drivers who drive too slowly in the left lane. It’s about time!Rat seems either a bit hazy on big guns, or there is more yet to be installed, since all we see here is a gun barrel without the gun!

Driving home from work, as I approach my neighborhood, I get into the left lane for the turn in. But because the traffic is so heavy at that hour, I make the lane change up to a mile before the turn because the cars in the leftmost are usually so densely packed that if I don’t shift over early, I may not get another chance to do so. I don’t feel comfortable driving on this residential street more than ten miles above the speed limit… but I invariably pull ahead of another driver who wants to travel at twenty above. Said driver will aggressively tailgate, and I imagine expects me to move over and surrender occupancy of the “fast lane”. I can’t start signaling my left turn too early because I’ll pass through two other intersections where I will not be turning. Pretty much a tense drive that last mile. GRRRRR. Sorry, this strip just made me want to vent.

So much for honking your horn

@PARIS (a/k/a “Goat”)—I don’t think Sting & his group will be much help!!

Who here can honestly say they never wanted to mount a gun on there car? Personally I’ve always dreamed of mounting a .50 caliber to mine

Hahahaha! I was a courier for 23 years, & we used to talk about having turrets on our hoods & taking out smart cars & Prius’ too! We can dream! They would drive the speed limit or less & be in the far left lane.

No action would be too harsh for those stinking Left Lane Bandits.Dave Barry wrote a column years ago about how specially qualified drivers [he was one, of course] would have their cars fitted with Atomic Land Torpedoes to solve the problem.

If a driver is going the speed limit are they really to be consider a slow driver?

A very useful accessory!

To be fair it isn´t the gun – it is the gun barrel.

Krupp does stuff like this just to stay in practice. Google “Bagger 288.”

Don’t call the police they are too bus to answer the phone

Too many drivers and too many big rigs on roads designed in the 1950’s….do we even have to wonder where road rage comes from?

bmw and lexus drivers should be taken out of their cars and go all gta. minivans should be regulated to one lane(like the 2 inch shoulder). and, high schoolers should never be allowed to drive. raise the driving age to 18, increase the insurance for them to 10k for 6 months, and require 5 years of driving experience.

First target needs to be the politicians who set too-low speed limits. NYC, I’m looking at you.

Legalize Vehicular Weaponry now.

The three survivors will be very polite drivers.

If my car had such a weapon, I would point it aft-ward to rid the world of tailgaters.

Dave Barry’s solution: http://articles.philly.com/1986-09-10/news/26076172_1_left-lane-speed-limit-slow-driver

I saw a comedian once who advocated for driver’s to have a device to shoot super-suction arrows at cars whose driver’s were jerks. His line was like, “When the police spot a car with 10 (don’t remember his actual number) arrows they just pull them over and automatically issue a ticket.”

Too crude, Rat. I want a laser with a targeting helmet. I promise, I will only go for the tires, or the occasional cell phone. I’m not a violent person….

the prius goes along at the speed limit just fine, and the drivers wave as they pass the busy filling stations.

Don’t get on HIS bad side! XD

My white Prius is usually ahead of the pack, going 75-80. But this is the Bay Area where 90% of the cars ARE Priuses (Priui?)Our issue is where we go slow. The way to drive these cars most efficiently requires “feathering” the gas pedal. If you’re really good, you can maintain speed while doing it. I have about a 5 MPH range. What chaps my hide is only having the fast lane because TRUCKs going 50 are in the 3 left lanes. So some guy wanting to do 90 is stuck behind me while I pass trucks, and the guy ahead of me is doing 68. This is non-commute direction, of course

As a long time game player I use to play a game called Car Wars where you were a driver with an armed car battleing other drivers with armed cars. Even the game took more into account than Rat does with his rifle barrel, you had to deal with arch of fire, ammo, weight, and recoil just to mention a few factors that went into creating your armed car.

That’s just the barrel. Without the actual mechanics, all he can really do is point the damned thing.

I constantly want to shout, “Pull your head out of your Prius and DRIVE!!!”

I’d like to say it’s not the car but the drivers; as others have pointed out Priuses (Priusi?) CAN go fast. But apparently, observing their drivers, they can’t go at anything beyond an ooze on a right turn downtown. Could that be the sort of eco-smugness that allows them to act as if they’re the only ones on the road?

Partly I do blame the vehicle, however. The configuration is that you are placed in the very center of a bubble nebulously shaped with invisible margins. It’s not an ideal configuration for anything but the most cautious driving. Cousin Itt’s round car has nothing on the Prius driver configuration. There is a serious disconnect between driver and road feel there.

Then again, most early-generation hybrids and electrics are, lets face it, nerdmobiles, designed to appeal to the congenitally timid and clueless. Fortunately Tesla is here to blow that out of the water, and to allow manufacturers to consider making actual CARS in hybrid or electric configuration.

My observation is that most “slow drivers” are actually those with the audacity to read the sign that says “Speed Limit 65” and go no faster than 65 mph. My solution. A weak transmitter (i.e. the signal only reaches the width of the lanes going one direction) and a receiver on all cars that hears the signal as you pass the sign, and the speed posted on the sign is all the faster you’ll be able to go. So if the sign said “Speed Limit 55,” you can have the pedal to the metal and all the faster you’re going is 55 mph.

I’d also like a new car horn with different buttons positioned for directional speakers. You’re behind someone who is truly going slow i.e. below the speed limit, you press the button on the top of the steering wheel the speaker ahead says “HEY GRANNY, GET OUT OF THE WAY!” Someones in your blind spot blocking a lane change press the button on the side you’re signaling and the speaker on that side says “GET OUTTA MY BLINDSPOT YA JACKASS!” And finally if you’ve got someone tailgating you, button on the bottom of the wheel, press it and the speaker to the rear says “GET OFFA MY TAILGATE YA JACKASS!” I bet rat would love those.

Rat needs a gunner. Where’s Guard Duck?

Seems well-regulated to me. At least there isn’t any infringing going on.

@mattro53: Bull. Pedestrians are in no greater danger with a more reasonable speed limit. 25 is ridiculously slow, and is nothing more than another means for the city to suck the money out of its citizens.