Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for September 23, 2024

Rat just described every company there is.

Now that’s being too honest Rat. And that ain’t a part of company values.

“Dress up our overriding profit motive in PC language that sounds humanitarian.”

Honesty is a business killer!

They only do what they are forced to do

Rat hits the nail right on the head.

Rat speaks truth, but most (corporate types) can’t handle the truth!

My final employer brought in some snotty attitude adjuster who tried to brainwash us to believe the family/work balance should put the work at 70% and family at 30%. What a crock! Capitalists like that s/b covered in honey and staked out by an anthill.

What company is Rat working for now? It hasn’t been terribly consistent over the years, but I still think of him as working for that coffee shop.

How many companies have EVER come out and thanked the communities where they are located, for the tax breaks, and other long-term financial benefits that were enacted to get the company to build there?

Our mission statement: “HOW much is it? How much ya got”?

I once had a good paying job in the Accounts Payable department of a large corporation. Their mission statement was to move the A/P department to India to save money. Goodbye, job. United Rentals is their name.

Give all the money to the CEO and stock-holders and say it’s going towards Research and Development!

Raise prices to make over 100% profits, pay the owners (shareholders) and corporate executives millions and underpay employees so they qualify for welfare.

As Arthur Dent (Hitchhiker’s Guide) might say, “This must be some new meaning of the word ‘values’ with which I’m unfamiliar.”

Be wary of any company that claims any purpose other than making money for its shareholders. They are selling something other than their product. Their entire purpose for formation is to sell a product.

Whoever heard of a corporation with actual morals, values and principles?

Rat… Around here, stating the truth can be hazardous to your job, as well as your health!

They used to pretend they cared about other stuff. Now, they’ll TELL you that profit is their only motive, and tell you that’s GOOD.

Every corporation’s mission statement should say just that. Otherwise they are bull… uh… disingenuous.

And we will deny any responsibility, even though we will begrudgingly pay a fine. That is, after we drag it out in court for as long as possible.

Simply delete the sentence about acting like we care about other stuff. Perfect.

Rat must work for the HR Department.

Do the most to help the company we can get away with!

Blunt, but maybe a little too blunt, I’d say.

Mission: a specific task with which a person or a group is charged. Mission Statement: a bland, non-controversial propaganda document written by a committee to produce a favorable impression.

maybe less truthful then that… :j

Rat is right on!

Should also include suck the soul out of our employees

All of our values. And the company is its own community.

For one company, I found the mission statement posted on the wall helpful when it came to decision-making. Most are insipid, but I don’t think they’re inherently bad.

There are a number of large national non-profits that fit those descriptions, I used to work for one and was fired for insisting we adhere to the Mission Statement.

Yes, but get a pretty lady to say it in the ads.

Too much honesty there, Rat.

Why would any company ever consider hiring someone like Rat?!?

This is more like politicians.

Public companies have a legal duty to maximize value for their shareholders.Failure to do so could result in criminal charges.

I once worked at a big manufacturing plant in a town of 4400 people. Years later, the plant was forced to close — lousy economics. Now said town has about 1000 people fewer.

Company values statements are great until they have to put them into practice.

Nerd Alert: The best Mission Statement I’ve ever heard:

“Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise.Her five year mission: To explore strange new worlds. To seek out new life, and new civilizations. To boldly go where no man (one) has gone before.”

OK. Stop laughing and follow along.

What is the time frame for this mission? 5 years.

What is the mission? To explore strange new worlds and to seek out new life, and new civilizations.

How will the mission be accomplished? Split infinitives aside, by boldly going where no one has gone before.

Simple, direct, to the point. Every crew-member aboard the ship, from the Captain down to the guy whose job is to scrub the toilets with Crystal Di-lithium Vanish knows what they intend to accomplish.

Maybe poor rat will be looking for another job!

nail on the head

Ya can’t say the quiet part out loud.

The companies I worked for had the presidents write those, which tended to be overly complex and meaningless. Then they’d revise them every year

Corporations are NOT people, ref Supreme Court decision Dodge vs Ford, corporations must put stockholders’ profits ahead of altruism; ref documentary film “The Corporation” the corporate analog to person is psychopath.

“..INCLUDING ANY STAFF BELOW UPPER MANAGEMENT.”C’mon, Rat, do better!

Spot On, Rat!! … Spot On!! … :)

and it’s universal

Say what you will about Rat’s values, he is always true to himself.

Seems to be a lot of socialists commenting today.

Yes Indeed: That should be the Universal Corporate Motto!

Bordello mission statement: We make sure the customer comes first. (Maybe more of an emission statement)

He missed, “Pay little to no taxes.” Personally, I would add, “Figure out a way to force COSTCO to alphabetically organize their products and simultaneously produce a current web link list which motors you directly to the product by current one centimeter accuracy GPS..”

People act like it’s given that a business’ sole purpose is to make as much money as possible. That certainly is the majority of companies, but there are business’ that are very profitable and successful, while at the same time maintaining integrity and taking care of their employees and rate high in customer satisfaction and service. It is a fallacy that profit over humanity is the only way.

Jack up the price and call it “inflation”. Record profits, aka price gouging.

Honesty will get you fired.

actually Rat’s spot on…

He needs to work on tone. The core idea is sound.

My regional company just got bought by an international conglomerate and that is so the way it is now. After being with them for almost a year it is quite obvious the only two things they care about are the quarterly p&l statements and the stockholders. Everything else is just pretend.

Corporations have one and only one purpose: To make their investors money! It’s up to the individuals to exercise their philanthropy with the money the corporation makes for them!!!!!

That’s one all corporations actually use. The cover is a weasel-worded set of cliches that look good on a letterhead.

fox news mission statement: illegal aliens – they’re coming to take ALL YOUR STUFF!!!!

Wouldn’t work for some.

Make enough money each quarter — as measured by financial statements — to keep institutional investors on Wall Street from bolting, while pursuing trendy ends that interfere with making money, and being relatively unconcerned with the longer term.

I’ll leave to your imagination what those “trendy ends that interfere with making money” might be. And what doing those things might be harmful in “the longer term”.