Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for September 23, 2024

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    BasilBruce  about 2 months ago

    Rat just described every company there is.

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    Gent  about 2 months ago

    Now that’s being too honest Rat. And that ain’t a part of company values.

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    orinoco womble  about 2 months ago

    “Dress up our overriding profit motive in PC language that sounds humanitarian.”

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    Walrus Gumbo Premium Member about 2 months ago

    Honesty is a business killer!

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    cracker65  about 2 months ago

    They only do what they are forced to do

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    blunebottle  about 2 months ago

    Rat hits the nail right on the head.

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    Sanspareil  about 2 months ago

    Rat speaks truth, but most (corporate types) can’t handle the truth!

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    jonnytest  about 2 months ago

    My final employer brought in some snotty attitude adjuster who tried to brainwash us to believe the family/work balance should put the work at 70% and family at 30%. What a crock! Capitalists like that s/b covered in honey and staked out by an anthill.

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    Kaputnik  about 2 months ago

    What company is Rat working for now? It hasn’t been terribly consistent over the years, but I still think of him as working for that coffee shop.

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    CementerAD5  about 2 months ago

    How many companies have EVER come out and thanked the communities where they are located, for the tax breaks, and other long-term financial benefits that were enacted to get the company to build there?

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    carlosrivers  about 2 months ago

    Our mission statement: “HOW much is it? How much ya got”?

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    WaitingMan  about 2 months ago

    I once had a good paying job in the Accounts Payable department of a large corporation. Their mission statement was to move the A/P department to India to save money. Goodbye, job. United Rentals is their name.

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    markkahler52  about 2 months ago

    Give all the money to the CEO and stock-holders and say it’s going towards Research and Development!

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    monya_43  about 2 months ago

    Raise prices to make over 100% profits, pay the owners (shareholders) and corporate executives millions and underpay employees so they qualify for welfare.

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    steveh64  about 2 months ago

    As Arthur Dent (Hitchhiker’s Guide) might say, “This must be some new meaning of the word ‘values’ with which I’m unfamiliar.”

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    jbmlaw01  about 2 months ago

    Be wary of any company that claims any purpose other than making money for its shareholders. They are selling something other than their product. Their entire purpose for formation is to sell a product.

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    Ellis97  about 2 months ago

    Whoever heard of a corporation with actual morals, values and principles?

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    SquidGamerGal  about 2 months ago

    Rat… Around here, stating the truth can be hazardous to your job, as well as your health!

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    Ignatz Premium Member about 2 months ago

    They used to pretend they cared about other stuff. Now, they’ll TELL you that profit is their only motive, and tell you that’s GOOD.

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    Slowly, he turned...  about 2 months ago

    Every corporation’s mission statement should say just that. Otherwise they are bull… uh… disingenuous.

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    gozirra2 Premium Member about 2 months ago

    And we will deny any responsibility, even though we will begrudgingly pay a fine. That is, after we drag it out in court for as long as possible.

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    Count Olaf Premium Member about 2 months ago

    Simply delete the sentence about acting like we care about other stuff. Perfect.

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    Count Olaf Premium Member about 2 months ago

    Rat must work for the HR Department.

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    iggyman  about 2 months ago

    Do the most to help the company we can get away with!

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    Goat from PBS  about 2 months ago

    Blunt, but maybe a little too blunt, I’d say.

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    LKrueger41  about 2 months ago

    Mission: a specific task with which a person or a group is charged. Mission Statement: a bland, non-controversial propaganda document written by a committee to produce a favorable impression.

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    Chris  about 2 months ago

    maybe less truthful then that… :j

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    chris_o42  about 2 months ago

    Rat is right on!

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    SusieB  about 2 months ago

    Should also include suck the soul out of our employees

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    unfair.de  about 2 months ago

    All of our values. And the company is its own community.

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    fencie  about 2 months ago

    For one company, I found the mission statement posted on the wall helpful when it came to decision-making. Most are insipid, but I don’t think they’re inherently bad.

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    Bruce1253  about 2 months ago

    There are a number of large national non-profits that fit those descriptions, I used to work for one and was fired for insisting we adhere to the Mission Statement.

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    aerotica69  about 2 months ago

    Yes, but get a pretty lady to say it in the ads.

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    ladykat  about 2 months ago

    Too much honesty there, Rat.

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    Carl Rennhack Premium Member about 2 months ago

    Why would any company ever consider hiring someone like Rat?!?

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    Snoopy Copter  about 2 months ago

    This is more like politicians.

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    Ishka Bibel  about 2 months ago

    Public companies have a legal duty to maximize value for their shareholders.Failure to do so could result in criminal charges.

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    rshive  about 2 months ago

    I once worked at a big manufacturing plant in a town of 4400 people. Years later, the plant was forced to close — lousy economics. Now said town has about 1000 people fewer.

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    carlsonbob  about 2 months ago

    Company values statements are great until they have to put them into practice.

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    jimboklein  about 2 months ago

    Nerd Alert: The best Mission Statement I’ve ever heard:

    “Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise.Her five year mission: To explore strange new worlds. To seek out new life, and new civilizations. To boldly go where no man (one) has gone before.”

    OK. Stop laughing and follow along.

    What is the time frame for this mission? 5 years.

    What is the mission? To explore strange new worlds and to seek out new life, and new civilizations.

    How will the mission be accomplished? Split infinitives aside, by boldly going where no one has gone before.

    Simple, direct, to the point. Every crew-member aboard the ship, from the Captain down to the guy whose job is to scrub the toilets with Crystal Di-lithium Vanish knows what they intend to accomplish.

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    SheMc  about 2 months ago

    Maybe poor rat will be looking for another job!

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    marktson  about 2 months ago

    nail on the head

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    dpatrickryan Premium Member about 2 months ago

    Ya can’t say the quiet part out loud.

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    mindjob  about 2 months ago

    The companies I worked for had the presidents write those, which tended to be overly complex and meaningless. Then they’d revise them every year

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    Joe Bo Premium Member about 2 months ago

    Corporations are NOT people, ref Supreme Court decision Dodge vs Ford, corporations must put stockholders’ profits ahead of altruism; ref documentary film “The Corporation” the corporate analog to person is psychopath.

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    PeteBroccolo  about 2 months ago

    “..INCLUDING ANY STAFF BELOW UPPER MANAGEMENT.”C’mon, Rat, do better!

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    Code the Enforcer  about 2 months ago

    Spot On, Rat!! … Spot On!! … :)

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    KEA  about 2 months ago

    and it’s universal

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    canottingham  about 2 months ago

    Say what you will about Rat’s values, he is always true to himself.

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    crocman48  about 2 months ago

    Seems to be a lot of socialists commenting today.

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    kinich79  about 2 months ago

    Yes Indeed: That should be the Universal Corporate Motto!

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    cactusbob333  about 2 months ago

    Bordello mission statement: We make sure the customer comes first. (Maybe more of an emission statement)

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    zeexenon  about 2 months ago

    He missed, “Pay little to no taxes.” Personally, I would add, “Figure out a way to force COSTCO to alphabetically organize their products and simultaneously produce a current web link list which motors you directly to the product by current one centimeter accuracy GPS..”

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    Buoy  about 2 months ago

    People act like it’s given that a business’ sole purpose is to make as much money as possible. That certainly is the majority of companies, but there are business’ that are very profitable and successful, while at the same time maintaining integrity and taking care of their employees and rate high in customer satisfaction and service. It is a fallacy that profit over humanity is the only way.

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    Kurtass Premium Member about 2 months ago

    Jack up the price and call it “inflation”. Record profits, aka price gouging.

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    ncorgbl  about 2 months ago

    Honesty will get you fired.

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    wildlandwaters  about 2 months ago

    actually Rat’s spot on…

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    willie_mctell  about 2 months ago

    He needs to work on tone. The core idea is sound.

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    Pogo was my first Premium Member about 2 months ago

    My regional company just got bought by an international conglomerate and that is so the way it is now. After being with them for almost a year it is quite obvious the only two things they care about are the quarterly p&l statements and the stockholders. Everything else is just pretend.

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    whelan_jj  about 2 months ago

    Corporations have one and only one purpose: To make their investors money! It’s up to the individuals to exercise their philanthropy with the money the corporation makes for them!!!!!

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    eddi-TBH  about 2 months ago

    That’s one all corporations actually use. The cover is a weasel-worded set of cliches that look good on a letterhead.

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    bunrabbit99  about 2 months ago

    fox news mission statement: illegal aliens – they’re coming to take ALL YOUR STUFF!!!!

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