Non Sequitur by Wiley Miller for March 27, 2024

Also, they aren’t ‘elevators’ when they are going down

Or we could call them ‘anxiety closets’, where you stand in a tiny space and:

Worry what to say to the stranger that you are trapped with.

Worry what the stranger that you are trapped with will think of you.

Worry that you have bad breath.

Worry that the cable will snap & you will plummet to your death.

Feel relieved that you don’t need to worry about the stranger anymore

feel guilty that you are hoping for somebodies death,

If you think that that’s bad, wait until you see the warning label.

There should be a warning nOTIS.

The legal dept could use a lift.

Our world is filling up with BUTTERCUPS what a shame

Chamber of horrors would be more accurate.

“I’m gonna sue! I’ve ridden in elevators many times and I STILL do not feel elevated at all.”

Rejected sales slogan:

Otis Elevators Dependability — Won’t Hold You Up; Won’t Let You Down.

Unless your name is Horace Horse.

Weasel words …

That legal department just ruined the old Aerosmith song.

They get paid by the word.

Like my birthday wishes “Congratulations on the celebration of the anniversary of your birth” [dang English majors]

My employer considers them a “vertical transportation system”. I have the internal memo to prove it.

I think “Legal Department” is too vague…

Still too vague. Add “vertically” at the end.

I’m so old I remember my first elevator rides. There was an elevator operator that pulled the doors shut, brought you to your destination, and then opened the doors when you arrived.

On NCIS, they also constitute Spontaneous Stationary Mini Conference Rooms.

“Elevator” has a specific, well-established and commonly-known meaning. The only time legal departments don’t like words like that is when they are trying to hide something. So, I’ll be taking the stairs in this building.

Except on the top floor, where the sign simply says: “You’re Going Down”.

It is like the emails I get about updated policies for web sites. I never understood the originals and the updated ones are just more complicated. I’m sure they own all my stuff.

Just think of all the social norms practiced while using an elevator. I’m up to 7 so far.

Obfuscation lives!! Ta-Daaaa

And to pitch your latest project to anyone you’re sharing the brief moment with.

The sign says nothing about how to operate the “enclosed cubicles”. The “real design” is to “push all your buttons”!

It has occured to me that way too many practitioners of the written word utilize engrandized words when greatly shorter words that more efficiently express the concept equally as clearly will suffice.

Soon to be known as AECDOMFFAs. Especially popular with MODOK.

Fun fact! The modern elevator was invented by some guy named Otis, who was tired of climbing the stairs.

it’s a lift!

The wordage on the sign omits the frequently seen admonition, “Press button if you wish to continue.”

De-elevator if you’re going down?

Lawyers would never make it that readable

Did you know that the elevator was invented by musician Otis Redding? He discovered that people enjoyed listening to his music while standing in a small, metal box and watching lighted numbers illuminate on the walls. Later on, he figured that by attaching a rope to the top of the box, he could move people up and down tall buildings. His music was later dubbed, “elevator music.”

This elevator must be in the Pentagon. They call shovels ‘combat emplacement evacuators’

“!,,

“… Move you VERTICALLY from one floor …”

I took an elevator once, didn’t know where to put it after I got home.

Follow the money to the signage contract.

Or they could be like the British and call them LIFTS

That’s the way my dog see’s them.

Someone beat me to it. The sign is ambiguous and should indicate “vertically only”. I’ve only been around horizontal “elevators” when I served on the Starship Enterprise. We called them “Turbolifts”. Oh, wait, no, I really didn’t serve on the Enterprise. Forget I said that. How do I erase this?

Vertically OR Horizontally?

I like the high speed elevators.

This term is one of those that drives people who are ESL speakers absolutely nuts. Because, if you are on the top floor of a building the device CAN NOT “elevate” you. It only can “depress” you. And if you want to go down from ANY floor, it’s also going to be by being depressed.

And that’s why the drink machine always is on the next floor below – if not all the way in the basement. You need a JOLT or a COKE to lift your spirits and attitude after being “depressed”.

Proudly serviced by the Otis Augmented Enclosed Cubicles Designed Only to Move You From One Floor to Another Company.

I enjoyed a brief elevator encounter with a gentleman leaving his orthopedic doctor’s appointment. He explained that he was advised to save his shoulder by not playing so much pickle-ball. He had overdone it due to his recent retirement, which he said felt like one long weekend!

Well, it’s true that they take a passenger down as well as up.

Controlled Plummeting Device

Sure this isn’t a government building?

On the rare occasions when t hey actually function, especially in railway stations