Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for September 30, 2013

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.And all the king’s horses and all the king’s menHad omelets.

As if a story about a boy cracking his head open isn’t gruesome enough.

Oh gosh…the electric chair gives me the creepers

Rat! Do another one! Do another one! Teach about government funding!

Rat’s tales have a moral.

Jack and Jill went to The HillTo pay the congressmen offJill was poorerSo Congress ignored herAnd Jack just sat there and scoffed.

Mary had a little lamb, she liked it so very well. Then she got some dynamite and blew it straight to……….

I might have found this amusing if we hadn’t had a murder case similar to this lately. Except it was a mother who strangled her 12-yr-old adopted daughter because the grandparents were leaving it all to the girl. Tragic business.

I rather like Rat’s effort at versification, though his rhythm is a tad irregular (especially in that last line). And as many commentators have already noted in their own ways, there are no merely “children’s” nursery rhymes, as most have a complex subtext or backstory. One interesting source is The Annotated Mother Goose, by W.S. and C. Baring-Gould (1962; 1967), suggesting “jack and Gill” [sic] might refer to Cardinal Wolsey and Bishop Tarber….Anyway, carry on, Rat!

Finally, justice for Jack!

today I actually LIKE rat…. now I’m feeling creepy ;))

Mary had a little lambThat was one of the largest.They caught her with it late one nightAnd brought her up on charges.

And here was me thinking my sister made that up!Another one:Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet,eating her curds and whey.Along came a spider, which sat down beside her,And she beat it to death with her spoon.

Hickory, Dickory DockThe Rat looked at the clockThe clock struck twoThe bartender stewedcause Rat ordered five more shots of beer.

Simple Simon met a Pie manGoing to the Fair

Said Simple Simon to the Pie man“Pray Sir, what have you there?”

Said the Pie man to Simple Simon“Pies, you fool!”

When Mary had a little lamb,The doctor was surprised,But when Old MacDonald had a farm…

Hickory Dickory DockThree mice ran up the clockThe clock struck oneAnd the rest escaped with minor injuries

I like Andrew Dice Clay’s version better:.Jack and Jill went up the hill each with a buck and a quarter.Jill came down with two fifty!

@shep4u—Mary had a little lamb…& the obstetrician called Ripley’s Believe It or Not!

I wonder if Jill went to the chair the way Jimmy Cagney did in “Angels With Dirty Faces”!

I hope kids don’t read this strip

Jack and Jill went up the hill they both had a quarter.

Jill came down with fifty cents Do you think Jack bought water?

Mary. Mary the ApothecaryWhat does your garden grow?High grade w**dSince I moved to Colo-rah-do

Actually, one of my favorite PB4S strips is Rat’s second verse to Little Miss Muffet:Then Muffet went backAnd cehcked her gun rack,grabbing a .357Finding the spiderShe sat down be side herAn blew that poor sucker to heaven.

Jack was nimbleBut not so quickHe burned his rearOn a candle stick.

Little pig, little pig, through this door let me pass.Not by the hair of my little pig’s…

“Oh, pick a pock of peach pits,Pockets full of pieForeign twenty black boardsBaked until they cry..Winnipeg was open,The burst again to sing.Oh, worsen that,A Danish ditchWas two-by-four the King..

The King was in a pallor,Counter fitting moneys.The Queen was in a tizzy,Reading all the funnies..The maid was in the garden,Hanging by her toes.Along came a north windAnd that’s the way she froze.".Walt Kelly from The Pogo Stepmother Goose.copyright 1954

Mary had a little lamb.Her father shot it dead.Now Mary carries that lamb to schoolBetween two hunks of bread.

New rule: 50 point penalty if you write something that is a duplicate of an earlier comment. I wasted 7 seconds today reading basically the same thing twice. That’s 7 seconds I’ll never get back! The time it takes to write this comment, however, will be added to my life span.

That’s actually still not as dark as some nursery rhymes and fairy tales I could mention.

I love it. Now put a polar bear and some penguins in it and you will have something there Mr. Pastis.

Jack and Jill went up the hill, They each had a buck and a quarter. Jill came down with two and a half. They didn’t go up for water.

Mary had a little lamb, and potatoes and green beans on the side.

Too right he shouldn’t!

This rhyme was quite funny though.

xxx

Rat might now be able to run for Congress from Texas.

Go to Project Gutenberg & read the early translations of H. C. Anderson & the Brothers Grimm. Lots more weird stuff there, and all free!

Hickory Dickory Dock.3 mice ran up the clock. The clock stuck one,2 others escaped with minor injuries & sued.

Mary had a little lamb,a little beef, a little ham…Mary was a member of PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals).

Perhaps Rat could write for The Newgate Calendar: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Newgate_Calendar

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet,eating her curds and whey.Along came a spider, which sat down beside her,And she beat it o death wit habit soup spoon,

Jack and Jill went up the hill, they both had a buck and a quarter. Jill came down with 2 and a half, and they didn’t go up for water.

Jack and JillWent up the hill,To fetch a pail of water,Jack fell down,And broke his crown,And Jill yelled ’Shmuck, I told you to get indoor plumbing.

I’d make a rhyme of my own, but I don’t have a rhyme for “lightsaber”.